Settlement Negotiations173the husband. He may agree to move to an apartment or to stay close to the children rather than moving closer to his work. Each will make concessions on property issues and support issues. This approach will be very effective even outside the mediation setting. It is important that your client affirm the spouse whenever he or she agrees to something that has been sought but not previously agreed to. Although they are getting divorced, they are still connected emotionally to each other in many ways, and each continues to desire the approval of the other. It is very discouraging when someone makes a concession in negotiation but gets no acknowledgment for it. Failure to acknowledge conveys the feeling that the other believes that he (or she) is entitled to the concession or that concessions will now be taken for granted. If your client reinforces the concession or conciliatory gesture, it makes the spouse more likely to do it again. If your client acts as if the gesture is a victory for him or a defeat for her, it will reduce the chance of further concessions from her and raise her fear that she is being taken advantage of. This does not mean that every concession has to evoke a counterconcession. But it costs nothing to say really appreciate that you have agreed to that because it means so much to me. I am very encouraged by the progress we are making, and I hope you feel that way too.�Conciliation begets further conciliation.Paying Attention to ToneAs relationships deteriorate, people tend to disagree in an increasingly unpleasant manner. They become more and more frustrated with each other, and the frustration is ref lected in the tone of voice that they use when talking to each other. Tone, independent of the words used, can convey not just frustration but also anger, plaintiveness, contempt, and ridicule. So, two things may be happening. First, each may become llergic�to the tone of the other. hen she starts that whining, I just lose it.�hen he starts using that angry condescending tone of his, it just totally turns me off.�So, tone can independently derail what would have otherwise been a completely reasonable message. By tone alone, we can make others
